Rewind

My second job is good, but it's a bit boring sometimes.  I just sit at a table by myself and radio when parents come in.  And since I love music I thought I would take all my favorite lines from this past year and recap the whole year.  It may be a little silly, but at least it entertained me.  

So here they are, last year's soundtrack for(of) life: 

I'd like to know if You'd be willing to start over from scratch?  This is the good life, I lost everything.  Who Knew?  All at once the world can overwhelm you.  I'm not alright, I'm broken inside.  Lie to me once again and tell me it'll be alright.  I see your true colors cause inside your ugly, ugly like me.  All summer long.  By Your side.  Here's to the nights we felt alive and the tears you knew you'd cry.  More than a feeling.  Dream on.  Gotta wake, wake up the world.  Shake it like an earthquake.  I can't wait to see you again.  Love addict.  Your beautiful.  Cause I am vindicated I am selfish I am wrong.  Hope dangles on a string.  I love the rain.  That's me in the spotlight losing my religion.  Life's like an hour glass glued to the table.  Cradle your head in your hands girl.  Why am I ten feet under and upside down.  I don't think I can fake another hollow smile.  You wanna make a memory?  I held on cause I was already gone.  Leave the memories alone.  There's just too much that time cannot heal.  All that I feel is the realness I'm fakin.  I'm holding on with a broken heart that's still beating.  Bind my wandering heart to Thee.  You are my healer.  You hold my world in Your hands.  Have your way.  Wash away the part of me that gets in the way.  It's too late tonight to drag the past out into the light.  And all I want is you.

The End.

Christmas Eve

It was 6:24 and christmas eve mass started at 6:30. I stared out my car window at the torrential downpour wondering why in the world I can't keep an umbrella and praying for a blip in the rain. A very disoriented and somewhat incoherent prayer clumsily tumbled out of my mouth through alot of frustration and fist on the steering wheel. With tears running down my face I was almost afraid I was about to have one of those Job moments where God firmly asks, "Where in the world were you when I made the Heavens. Maybe you should tell me how this is suppose to work!?!" I sat back and feared the worst, afraid that my prayer had been a bit too brazen. (as though I can really hide what I'm the thinking from the omniscient!)

Anyway, the rain let up and I walked in a bit late, offending a few because I did not know to cross myself with 'holy water'. I have always wanted to see what a catholic service was like and can't remember ever going to church to actually celebrate Christmas. Imagine that?! Overall, I think I "faked" being catholic pretty well. I made it through most of the recitations and everything good enough and got the hang of how and when to cross myself. However, the genuflecting (though I knew what it was) caught me by suprise. Needless to say there were a few times I was the last one down and the last one up. It's not like they tell you when to do these things :)

Several people laughingly asked me later if I actually got anything out of the service. Im certain they expected me to say no, nor were they interested in the answer. Especially since they did not forsee it being yes. The whole thing was a bit solemn, but what I was really taken by was their extreme reverence for the Scriptures. The crossing and genuflecting every time the Word of God was spoken. Maybe we don't stop enough to think about the fact we are holding and reading a truly living and eternal word handed down from God the Father Almighty. With that in mind, I wondered how often my spirit 'man' pauses and geneuflects not only in reverence, but in obedience to what is asked of me in these Holy Scriptures.

So, in the end, I didn't exactly have a Job moment, but I was somewhat embarrassed and ashamed by my audacity an hour earlier that I would dare to shake my fist at the Heavens and doubt and yell at such a magnificient and sovereign God. Now I'm not saying we shouldn't pray honest prayers, but just maybe sometimes a little more genuflecting and a little less ranting might do us protestants some good.

Just a little lesson learned from the Catholic church...

Ahh...sitting in the library, one of the few places that I still feel great in!  I'm still not sure though why I still blog?!  I'm well aware no one reads it, but I think it's because it makes me 'feel' as though I've told someone while still resting in the security that no one knows what I'm thinking.  Make sense?  Crazy-I know.  

Well, anyone who knows me at all knows that my life has been a whole lot different this past year.  Except for now, we're heading into year 2 and things I thought would be fixed are still the same.  Coming off a great, but emotional summer, 3 church interviews with nothing promising, countless regular interviews, the recruiter at the employment agency continually ridiculing my course of study and reminding me of my inadequacies, lost friendships, a discouraging note from my fav. professor, horrible substitute jobs, and the search for a church home lead me to yet another moment of 'desperate' prayer.  And by desperate I don't mean angry or accusing.

Needless to say the past several years have brought alot of changes and made me alot different than what I used to be.  Some of that is good and some...not so much.  You know, they say people never crumble in a day, which makes me wonder how did I get from there to here?  How do I take advantage of a new start when all I can feel is a heavy aching in the deepest parts of my soul?  When God doesn't seem to answer the way I want when I need Him to put my heart back together?  Is this His way of making sure I continue to look for His arms and embrace in the middle of such confusion?  How do I hear His voice above the others that constantly remind me of all the ways I've failed?

So what was His answer to that desperate prayer that has me hanging on yet another day?  Music.  Sounds too simple I know, but music was created by Him for worship and is a powerful thing.  Anyway, when I was younger I used to play all the time.  Flute, piano-didn't matter.  What mattered, my teacher said, was that I learned to pray with my hands and use it as a means of expressing myself to my Creator. It's been a LONG time since I opened up that dusty piano, but in a moment of overwhelming hurt with doubts hanging heavily upon a believing heart and a tear soaked face, I remembered what I used to be.  There were times when I used to play that I forgot everything else in the world as I played my song to Him and hurts tumbled out and I found solace there in the presence of My God without saying a word.  And so it was.  

Now, I'm not saying everything is peachy now.  All I'm saying is its a first step towards the better part of what I used to be.  The me that wasn't always looking for an answer or even healing from the pains that my own disobedience has caused, but rather the me that was comforted in knowing that His tears are larger for me than the ones I cry.

"Let thy goodness like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to thee!..."  

Wow...I can't believe it's been a year since I posted anything on here.  Well, much has changed and alot has stayed the same.  I'm looking for a job and have a couple possibilities that I'm hoping at least one of will pan out.  Been to FL and spent the summer working-amazing! 

But, along with all this change there's been a lot of questions whirling around in my head and weighing on my heart.  Like why does God seem so silent?  When is He going to show me just a glimpse of what to do next?  Exactly how far reaching is His grace?...Especially when you boldly tell Him you're going to do your own thing even though His word says its wrong?  How is that my faith is so weak and my disbelief and doubt so quick after years of His proven faithfulness? 

Crazy huh?!  I started reading this book last week titled the "The deity formerly known as God".  Im aware that some of my perceptions of God are off.  For example, I think alot about how Mighty God is and just, and my mind has a hard time wrapping itself around the fact that a God like that can love me past everything wrong in me. Yet in the silence and midst of my darkest defeat, I somehow am realizing that He is trying to show me and tell me that He does delight in me.  Anyway, God has been using this book over the past week to challenge me to think about Him in different ways.  Right now, Im reading the Scriptures over again attempting to keep those more constructive images of Him in mind.  If you haven't read the book, you should get a copy!

Oh well, that's about it for now.  Crazy times!  Just waiting and seeing what He does.

Lock-Ins

I believe that whoever came up with the idea originally to keep young people locked in one facility for an entire night was mentally challenged. I mean in a perfect world, I guess it sounded good. Anyway...one hour to go.

"The friendship that can cease has never been real. "
Saint Jerome, Letterchurch father & saint (374 AD - 419 AD)

Anyone who knows me knows that I love to collect quotes. This one is rather simplistic, but nevertheless speaks volumes. In the past few months I have been trying to love those around me better than before. Of course, I guess as scripture says it is no big thing to love those who love you back, but you must learn to love those who hate you. Often I have found that I am quick to discard and discount the value of certain relationships around me because they didn't work exactly the way I thought they should. Sometimes I think we all have to regroup and reevalute what we do and why we do it. My goal is to extend friendship to those around me that cannot cease. I must admit(being the pessimist that I am) that I do not believe I have seen that kind of friendship practiced very often. At least, not in my lifetime. Being the loner that I am I still believe that God made us for relationships, and sometimes that part of me aches until Im not sure if I can bear it anymore. Although I do not readily admit this most days.

Maybe I will eventually learn, and others as well, what Mother Teresa displayed with her life...that if one loves until it hurts and keeps on loving that eventually there is no more hurt but only more love. Right now it is just hurt, but I believe what she said is true and it will be a beautiful thing wrought in one's soul if they continue to advance in the direction of pain.

Can we say self-serving!?!

So I was wondering what happened to the part of the church that is supposed to be outreach oriented. I didn't realize that we were supposed to sit back and stuff ourselves so much that we can't even get up from the table!! What causes this rant? Nothing new, nothing that most other leaders have not encountered at some point or another. A large church, spoiled youth, and no dependable adults. Yet somehow the youth department(which doesn't consist of much) is supposed to turn these young adults into something different than their predecessors. I thought I knew this full well when I took on the part, but sitting on a mound of junk in the middle of a storage room hiding from the young people outside the door I cried as I thought about how unfair it is for them and those of us trying to make some kind of difference. They don't understand my frustration because they are only following suit. I don't understand why any age person does not have something innate in them that aspires to be more than ordinary. Everyone has great advice about how to handle all this, but none of those voices come with helping hands. For those of you who might actually take the time to read this...thanks for the opportunity to vent.

Growing Pains

William Faulkner once said that "the only thing worth writing about is the human heart in conflict with itself." So that is where I start from. Life teaches us well I suppose. Some lessons are much harder than others. Some leave us feeling lower than we ever thought we could be...and in those very moments we find a grace stronger than we know how to resist. In the middle of the confusion that comes from a hurting heart and swollen eyes I reminded the Lord how unworthy I was of Him loving me. His response was "Let me hold you." In all of my stubborness I said "no, that kind of love I do not deserve." But with a pursuing kind of love...He sat with me until I could do nothing else but fall into the arms of a love that is relentless. I guess it is the most painful moments, where we find our souls laid bare before him, that He teaches us some of the greatest lessons of grace,mercy, and friendship that we may ever know. He is faithful to find us where we are, even when our prayers are so soft that they are barley audible.
I hope I never get over how amazing God's grace truly is. Growing is painful but His nearness brings healing-even if it sometimes seems slow.

Ooh Ahh

Well, since the last time I posted I have assumed at least one new role to play in my life. That being interim youth pastor at my church. Last night we went on the air at WDJC and we had a blast! It still blows my mind that God can use the simplest of things to minister grace to one of his children...that child being me. Honestly, I love being with the young people. I never feel so fully alive as when Im just hanging out with them. But monday had been a rough day of some sorts and part of me just wanted to be alone and spend some time in prayer. You know there are times you have to wonder how many times you have to make the same mistake before the lesson finally sinks in. Anyway, in the middle of the craziness of a radio show, a high-strung dj, and three teenagers the Lord poured out his mercy on an undeserving, fumbling child. After all my mistakes and all these years I still cant fully wrap my mind around the peace that the Father chooses to fill up a heart with, but I am so incredibly thankful that He does. Im also grateful that in the middle of broken things beauty can be found, and that suprisingly enough...that beauty can be in the sweet smile of a teenager!

From Here to There

Ahh...I finally graduated this past weekend! Now, I just have to figure out what to do with the rest of my time. Suprisingly enough, I find myself elated about accomplishing a major life goal and a little sad about saying goodbye. Although I did make some pretty great friends, what makes me sad is the goodbye to an environment-a family of sorts.
One of my favorite profs, Dr. Snyder, has an incredible way of speaking with such high regard to the scriptures, yet allowing all of us to explore and even question so many things we have always been taught. The great thing about this is we have all learned (majority of us) to coexist and learn from one another no matter how varied our opinions may be. To be able to disagree without offending. For me it has been a great picture of how the church is really supposed to be. I was discussing with Dr. Snyder last week my view on some pretty controversial issues within the church right now. Oddly enough he said, "It must be hard for you to go from here to there?" referring to my home church/denomination. It was at that moment that I realized how much I have grown to love these people who have invested in me the past two years. Even though we may or may not see eye to eye on everything, they seem to believe in me more than the people I have so wanted to accept me as 'family'. I guess its true that you don't really see what you have until its gone. Southeastern has become a safe place for me, but you can't live in those places. What I have learned about this great God of ours since I started until now, gives me the courage to go from there back to here...
So many people say I cannot do the things that God has called me to do. Im sure lots of people here that. I simply say that I am glad that the Apostle Paul did not listen when people told him that what he was doing was ridiculous and unorthodox. (I am positive those people existed back then too :) Its a good thing that Martin Luther didn't listen when people said he couldn't change the system, or Zwingli, or Wesley, or Martin Luther King. Do I think God will use me to change the 'system'? Maybe...maybe not. Or maybe it is just our faith is simply too small.

This isn't the way I thought it would be

I have nothing to say that everyone hasn't already discovered. But sometimes...life is just disappointing. I know that God is faithful and everything is in His perfect timing, so I struggle with feeling guilty about my disappointment. If that doesn't make things worse! My heart certainly identifies with the Script. that says "hope deferred makes the heart sick"(proverbs 13:12). I guess I'll just keep looking for my "tree of life".

Recapturing the Wonder

"Critics who treat adult as a term of approval, instead of as a merely descriptive term, cannot be adult themselves. To be concerned about being grown up, to admire the grown up because it is grown up, to blush at the suspicion of being childish; these things are the marks of childhood and adolescence. And in childhood and adolescence they are in moderation, healthy symptoms. Young things ought to want to grow. But to carry on into middle life or even into early manhood this concern about being adult is a mark of really arrested development. When I was ten, I read fairy tales in secret and would have been ashamed if I had been found doing so. Now that I am fifty I read them openly. When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up." (Lewis)

Hmm...it is nice to know that someone, especially of great intellect, also finds it undesireable to be very grown up. Why is it that one has to lose their sense of wonderment to be counted as one with a voice worthy of hearing? Or may be we secretly despise the fact that some are able to maintain this, while life has seemingly beaten the passion out of the rest of us so that we are not able to live it as it was intended. My thoughts resonate with those of Lewis'. My desire is to put away such childish things, including the desire to be 'very grown-up.'

"Junior-High Girl",
Alana

Ruin

I recently came across a poem by C.S. Lewis that has taken hold of me. At this point I cannot tell you how many times I have read it; but it's been many. So, I thought I would post it for anyone else who might enjoy it.

All this is flashy rhetoric about loving you.
I never had a selfless thought since I was born.
I am mercenary and self-seeking through and through;
I want God, you, all friends, merely to serve my turn.

Peace, re-assurance, pleasure, are the goals I seek,
I cannot crawl one inch outside my proper skin;
I talk of love-a scholar's parrot may talk
Greek-
But, self-imprisoned, always end where I begin.

Only that now you have taught me (but how late)
my lack.
I see the chasm. And everything you are was
making
My heart into a bridge by which I might get back
From exile, and grow man. And now the bridge is
Breaking.

For this I bless you as the ruin falls. The pains
You give me are more precious than all other
Gains.

To see the 'ruin' as a blessing is the challenge that life presents. Often I wonder if all the other pains that our relationships bring are worth what it cost. Honestly, there are many days that I think not. But I must concede and say 'the pains are more precious than all other gains.'