Wow...I can't believe it's been a year since I posted anything on here.  Well, much has changed and alot has stayed the same.  I'm looking for a job and have a couple possibilities that I'm hoping at least one of will pan out.  Been to FL and spent the summer working-amazing! 

But, along with all this change there's been a lot of questions whirling around in my head and weighing on my heart.  Like why does God seem so silent?  When is He going to show me just a glimpse of what to do next?  Exactly how far reaching is His grace?...Especially when you boldly tell Him you're going to do your own thing even though His word says its wrong?  How is that my faith is so weak and my disbelief and doubt so quick after years of His proven faithfulness? 

Crazy huh?!  I started reading this book last week titled the "The deity formerly known as God".  Im aware that some of my perceptions of God are off.  For example, I think alot about how Mighty God is and just, and my mind has a hard time wrapping itself around the fact that a God like that can love me past everything wrong in me. Yet in the silence and midst of my darkest defeat, I somehow am realizing that He is trying to show me and tell me that He does delight in me.  Anyway, God has been using this book over the past week to challenge me to think about Him in different ways.  Right now, Im reading the Scriptures over again attempting to keep those more constructive images of Him in mind.  If you haven't read the book, you should get a copy!

Oh well, that's about it for now.  Crazy times!  Just waiting and seeing what He does.

Lock-Ins

I believe that whoever came up with the idea originally to keep young people locked in one facility for an entire night was mentally challenged. I mean in a perfect world, I guess it sounded good. Anyway...one hour to go.

"The friendship that can cease has never been real. "
Saint Jerome, Letterchurch father & saint (374 AD - 419 AD)

Anyone who knows me knows that I love to collect quotes. This one is rather simplistic, but nevertheless speaks volumes. In the past few months I have been trying to love those around me better than before. Of course, I guess as scripture says it is no big thing to love those who love you back, but you must learn to love those who hate you. Often I have found that I am quick to discard and discount the value of certain relationships around me because they didn't work exactly the way I thought they should. Sometimes I think we all have to regroup and reevalute what we do and why we do it. My goal is to extend friendship to those around me that cannot cease. I must admit(being the pessimist that I am) that I do not believe I have seen that kind of friendship practiced very often. At least, not in my lifetime. Being the loner that I am I still believe that God made us for relationships, and sometimes that part of me aches until Im not sure if I can bear it anymore. Although I do not readily admit this most days.

Maybe I will eventually learn, and others as well, what Mother Teresa displayed with her life...that if one loves until it hurts and keeps on loving that eventually there is no more hurt but only more love. Right now it is just hurt, but I believe what she said is true and it will be a beautiful thing wrought in one's soul if they continue to advance in the direction of pain.

Can we say self-serving!?!

So I was wondering what happened to the part of the church that is supposed to be outreach oriented. I didn't realize that we were supposed to sit back and stuff ourselves so much that we can't even get up from the table!! What causes this rant? Nothing new, nothing that most other leaders have not encountered at some point or another. A large church, spoiled youth, and no dependable adults. Yet somehow the youth department(which doesn't consist of much) is supposed to turn these young adults into something different than their predecessors. I thought I knew this full well when I took on the part, but sitting on a mound of junk in the middle of a storage room hiding from the young people outside the door I cried as I thought about how unfair it is for them and those of us trying to make some kind of difference. They don't understand my frustration because they are only following suit. I don't understand why any age person does not have something innate in them that aspires to be more than ordinary. Everyone has great advice about how to handle all this, but none of those voices come with helping hands. For those of you who might actually take the time to read this...thanks for the opportunity to vent.

Growing Pains

William Faulkner once said that "the only thing worth writing about is the human heart in conflict with itself." So that is where I start from. Life teaches us well I suppose. Some lessons are much harder than others. Some leave us feeling lower than we ever thought we could be...and in those very moments we find a grace stronger than we know how to resist. In the middle of the confusion that comes from a hurting heart and swollen eyes I reminded the Lord how unworthy I was of Him loving me. His response was "Let me hold you." In all of my stubborness I said "no, that kind of love I do not deserve." But with a pursuing kind of love...He sat with me until I could do nothing else but fall into the arms of a love that is relentless. I guess it is the most painful moments, where we find our souls laid bare before him, that He teaches us some of the greatest lessons of grace,mercy, and friendship that we may ever know. He is faithful to find us where we are, even when our prayers are so soft that they are barley audible.
I hope I never get over how amazing God's grace truly is. Growing is painful but His nearness brings healing-even if it sometimes seems slow.

Ooh Ahh

Well, since the last time I posted I have assumed at least one new role to play in my life. That being interim youth pastor at my church. Last night we went on the air at WDJC and we had a blast! It still blows my mind that God can use the simplest of things to minister grace to one of his children...that child being me. Honestly, I love being with the young people. I never feel so fully alive as when Im just hanging out with them. But monday had been a rough day of some sorts and part of me just wanted to be alone and spend some time in prayer. You know there are times you have to wonder how many times you have to make the same mistake before the lesson finally sinks in. Anyway, in the middle of the craziness of a radio show, a high-strung dj, and three teenagers the Lord poured out his mercy on an undeserving, fumbling child. After all my mistakes and all these years I still cant fully wrap my mind around the peace that the Father chooses to fill up a heart with, but I am so incredibly thankful that He does. Im also grateful that in the middle of broken things beauty can be found, and that suprisingly enough...that beauty can be in the sweet smile of a teenager!

From Here to There

Ahh...I finally graduated this past weekend! Now, I just have to figure out what to do with the rest of my time. Suprisingly enough, I find myself elated about accomplishing a major life goal and a little sad about saying goodbye. Although I did make some pretty great friends, what makes me sad is the goodbye to an environment-a family of sorts.
One of my favorite profs, Dr. Snyder, has an incredible way of speaking with such high regard to the scriptures, yet allowing all of us to explore and even question so many things we have always been taught. The great thing about this is we have all learned (majority of us) to coexist and learn from one another no matter how varied our opinions may be. To be able to disagree without offending. For me it has been a great picture of how the church is really supposed to be. I was discussing with Dr. Snyder last week my view on some pretty controversial issues within the church right now. Oddly enough he said, "It must be hard for you to go from here to there?" referring to my home church/denomination. It was at that moment that I realized how much I have grown to love these people who have invested in me the past two years. Even though we may or may not see eye to eye on everything, they seem to believe in me more than the people I have so wanted to accept me as 'family'. I guess its true that you don't really see what you have until its gone. Southeastern has become a safe place for me, but you can't live in those places. What I have learned about this great God of ours since I started until now, gives me the courage to go from there back to here...
So many people say I cannot do the things that God has called me to do. Im sure lots of people here that. I simply say that I am glad that the Apostle Paul did not listen when people told him that what he was doing was ridiculous and unorthodox. (I am positive those people existed back then too :) Its a good thing that Martin Luther didn't listen when people said he couldn't change the system, or Zwingli, or Wesley, or Martin Luther King. Do I think God will use me to change the 'system'? Maybe...maybe not. Or maybe it is just our faith is simply too small.