Well, anyone who knows me at all knows that my life has been a whole lot different this past year. Except for now, we're heading into year 2 and things I thought would be fixed are still the same. Coming off a great, but emotional summer, 3 church interviews with nothing promising, countless regular interviews, the recruiter at the employment agency continually ridiculing my course of study and reminding me of my inadequacies, lost friendships, a discouraging note from my fav. professor, horrible substitute jobs, and the search for a church home lead me to yet another moment of 'desperate' prayer. And by desperate I don't mean angry or accusing.
Needless to say the past several years have brought alot of changes and made me alot different than what I used to be. Some of that is good and some...not so much. You know, they say people never crumble in a day, which makes me wonder how did I get from there to here? How do I take advantage of a new start when all I can feel is a heavy aching in the deepest parts of my soul? When God doesn't seem to answer the way I want when I need Him to put my heart back together? Is this His way of making sure I continue to look for His arms and embrace in the middle of such confusion? How do I hear His voice above the others that constantly remind me of all the ways I've failed?
So what was His answer to that desperate prayer that has me hanging on yet another day? Music. Sounds too simple I know, but music was created by Him for worship and is a powerful thing. Anyway, when I was younger I used to play all the time. Flute, piano-didn't matter. What mattered, my teacher said, was that I learned to pray with my hands and use it as a means of expressing myself to my Creator. It's been a LONG time since I opened up that dusty piano, but in a moment of overwhelming hurt with doubts hanging heavily upon a believing heart and a tear soaked face, I remembered what I used to be. There were times when I used to play that I forgot everything else in the world as I played my song to Him and hurts tumbled out and I found solace there in the presence of My God without saying a word. And so it was.
Now, I'm not saying everything is peachy now. All I'm saying is its a first step towards the better part of what I used to be. The me that wasn't always looking for an answer or even healing from the pains that my own disobedience has caused, but rather the me that was comforted in knowing that His tears are larger for me than the ones I cry.
"Let thy goodness like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to thee!..."
